I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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