if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
