Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize