I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
