Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
