Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
