I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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