She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
