i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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