Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
