I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
