guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
