i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
