Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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