I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
as a side note pls kill me
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