Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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