I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
