I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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