I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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