I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
