You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize