Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
