Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Randomize
