if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
