someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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