fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
