oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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