Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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