Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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