you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize