Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
