Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
