Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
