Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
