Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
