its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
