All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
