Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
