I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
