Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
