The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
