we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize