one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
