After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
