i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i came on her dog
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
