just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
