you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This is my gift to your gina
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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