i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
