Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
