He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
