Just took my morning after pill in the library
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
