I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
