bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
