hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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