I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
