is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
