If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
