I just pynch a tree in the face
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You don't make any sense
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