I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize