I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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