I hate your face
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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